There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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