Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
