he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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