fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
