We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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