woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
