I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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