a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
