Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
