so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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