remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
