I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
