Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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