the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Your penis caused this!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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