I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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