Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
