I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
should my penis look like a turkey
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
