i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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