I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
