you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
