nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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