ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
