You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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