non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
