Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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