I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
