oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
