Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
