he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
