Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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