Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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