im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
