is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
