the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
