You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
