where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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