What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
