wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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