How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
