Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
