I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
