im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
