her vagine was all disorganized.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
