I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
