Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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