maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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