and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
