I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
