Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
i think my cat just said my name.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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