So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
