he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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